I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I should be sponsored by Trojan
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
