while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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