He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
