I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize