I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Even my vagina gasped.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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