I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize