i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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