Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
my liver is dry heaving
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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