Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
