there's paper in my vomit.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
