My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
