her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
