If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
