if you like me you must not know who I am
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
