I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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