i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
