Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
