My liver just broke up with me...
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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