I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize