Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
