I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
