i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
