I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
