The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
im on a boat
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