My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
40s are totally the cure
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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