I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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