A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
