So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
