life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize
