my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
