I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
