Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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