i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
