I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
