I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
