I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
