I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
i think my cat just said my name.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
