LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
