He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
