I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
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Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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