um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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