You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
