bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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