I'm passing your future prison.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just gargled with NyQuil
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
