One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
