I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
