I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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