It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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