He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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