I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
