What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
