how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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