I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
