you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Found the puke drawer
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
