please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I need moral support for this bender
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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