My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
