Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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