On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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