I hate all girls vehemently.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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