There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
there was a trapeze. enough said
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
