I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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