last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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