I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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