My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
