She announced her abortion via fbk
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
