Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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